There’s a quote from The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath that lives in me and it goes like this:
“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”
I’m sure this quote has been dissected and analyzed over and over again, and on the surface it seems pretty bleak, right? Paralyzed in fear by the endless choices life presents us watching as all the opportunities decay before our eyes. It’s the difference between being alive and really living. It’s the waiting for the right moment to take leap. Because… no matter what the figs will fall at your feet, even if you pick the perfect one. Maybe it feels like a loss, maybe you’re sad that door has closed, that the fig has spoiled. Don’t forget though, when one door closes, another opens. The fallen fig is full of seeds that will grow more trees with more figs that will do the same over and over and over again. With every choice you make, endless opportunities will present themselves; this will go on and on until the end of time. That’s beautiful. Wouldn’t you agree it’s better to pick the fig and let the earth work its magic because we all deserve the fruit? We all deserve that perfect, juicy, sweet fig.
This is where I tell you what this all means to me, how I was, and still am, scared out of my mind to share myself, my gifts, my art, my music. How, for a long time, I would rather stifle myself than let myself be who I am because I didn’t want people to see me - to hear me. Again for emphasis, I would rather hold myself back, smother my creative drive, and quiet myself from things that make my soul soar for fear of being *noticed*.
I spent my childhood and adolescence people pleasing which carried into my adult life. I was put down for my gifts by people who were supposed to love me and because of that I shrunk myself to fit into the box that they wanted. It left me unhappy and unfulfilled. I didn’t have the understanding to connect the dots at the time but over the years I have started to shed the identity other people have put on me. For perspective, I am 32 years young and I was only 30 when I really started to shed my skin. Two years ago, I spent a week in the hospital, was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, unable to walk on my own, I lost the capacity to care for myself in the way that I needed to. My partner at the time left me, without any real words aside from telling me I deserved the pain and hardship I was experiencing.
They talk about hitting rock bottom to have the ability to rise up and overcome but we never really imagine just how low we can feel. I had the opportunity to either push forward and grow or to revel in my pain and wither away into a shell of myself - and I couldn’t be a shell any more.
I started journaling and scheduling and creating and seeking out people who fueled that fire in me. Here I am, almost two years into my journey with ethos, creating more than I ever have, surrounded by people who support and encourage me. I write, I sing, I play, I photograph, I craft, I dance, and I’m ashamed of none of it.
The biggest lesson I learned out of all of this? Just do it scared. Be scared out of your mind, but just do it. At the end of the day, you’ll only end up regretting the things you didn’t do. Do the thing, let joy pour in, and be true to yourself, it’s worth it - I promise.
A peek into my most fearful journey; creating music:
Xoxo,
Rachael
コメント